| Series Name | |
| Season 1, Episode 4 | |
| Air date | January 23, 2004 |
| Written by | Evan Gore, Heather Lombard |
| Directed by | Howy Parkins |
| Episode Guide | |
| previous Beef! |
next King for a Day or Two |
Dave Crying 😭 In Rite Of Pillage is the second half of the fourth episode of Dave the Barbarian.
Synopsis[]
Dave faces a dilemma, where he'll lose his barbarian title and disgrace his family if he cannot pass a pillaging test. Dave Started Crying 😭 Because He Got An F (On His Battle Cry.), F- (On Laying Waste.) And A Z (On Plundering When He Saw Some Kid.) And He Got Bitten By 300 Mosquitos 🦟 And He Started Crying 😭 Again Because He Cannot Do A Penmanship But The Pillage Master (Doria) Gives Dave A Timer ⏲ To Set For 10 Minutes. Later Fang Asks Alexa The Amazon Echo That Why Was Dave Crying 😭.
Quotes[]
- Storyteller: It All Began On A Beautiful Day On May 8th And On Monday A Long Time Ago Dave Is Just Inside His Tent ⛺️ Playing A Game On His iPad Called Wheel Of Fortune Free Play.
Dave: Hang On One Second I Am Going To Check The Calendar 🗓 What Oh I Was Right It Is May 8th.
- [Candy is frusterated at why is Dave farting]
- Candy:Ew Dave I Can’t Believe You Had Farted That’s It I’m Calling Mom And Dad.
- [Candy "calls" her mom and dad through a cauldron. They are chained to a wall.]
- Glimia: Well, when you fight evil, sometimes you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to heroically escape at the last instant.
Throktar: So What’s Going On
Candy: Dave Had Farted And I Did Not Tell Him To Stop 🛑 It And Quit It.
- Throktar: Don't worry about your Rite of Pillage, son. Ransack a town, rob the peasants, then, bang! Home for cake. Easy-peasy and next time please don’t fart 💨 again.
Dave: I Won’t.
Throktar: Good.
- Glimia: Oops, the dungeon keeper's coming! Time for us to pull off our heroic escape and destroy the citadel!
- Thronktar: Toodle-bye!
3 People: Bye Bye 👋.
- Pillage Master: Men know me as... The Pillage Master. But you may call me... Doria.
- Dave: Thats a pretty name a bit [Scratches His Nose👃 .]
- Pillage Master: David Why Are You Scratching Your Nose 👃 ?
Dave: Because It Just Itches Because 300 Tickling Egg 🥚 🍳 Yolks Are In My Face See.
Pillage Master: Let Me See It [Gets Out His Magnifying Glass 🔎 And Sees The Egg 🥚 🍳 Yolks Laughing 😆 In Dave’s Face.] That’s Alright Don’t Scratch It Just Ignore It.
- [Dave trains for his Rite of Pillage.]
- Dave: [Clears throat.] I would like to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have-
- Fang: No! Scare them, scream at them, run and yell! Run and yell!
Dave: Alright I’ll Do It Right Now [Begins To Run 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ And Yell.]
- Lula: You're about as scary as a quart of non-fat milk!
Dave: What Did You Mean 😢 [Sees The 300 Mosquitoes 🦟] Ahh 😱 [Runs Away].
- Storyteller: And the mosquitos 🦟 do chase upon the body of Dave until the next sunrise and well into the afternoon a 12:00 🕛 p.m.
- Pillage Master: Dave, it is now the sixteenth hour of the sixteenth day of the sixteenth month, of your sixteenth year!
- Dave: Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this guy's math? I Never 👎 Knew That Those 300 Mosquitos 🦟 Were Biting Me A Lot And These Mosquito 🦟 Bites Are Just Red Spots.
- [The Pillage Master issues Dave an F on his battle cry.]
- Oswidge: Hark, the dread footfalls of family disgrace draw nigh.
- Fang: If that means Dave's a bonehead with these 300 mosquito 🦟 bites, I agree.
- [The Pillage Master describes the "Laying Waste" test.]
- Pillage Master: You must lay waste here, [Dave begins chuckling,] then you must lay waste over there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all right, what is so funny!?
Dave: Nothing Is Funny 😁.
Pillage Master: Now Begin You Have 5 Minutes Left To Do The Laying Waste.
(Fanfare Plays)
French Narrator From SpongeBob SquarePants:
5 Minutes Later.
- [Dave "ruins" some houses.]
- Dave: Look at that hideous paint job, the atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief!
Pillage Master: Nice 👍 Try But You Get An F - For Laying Waste All Wrong 😑.
Dave: Oh (He Sighs 😔.)
- [For the Plundering Test, Dave rings a doorbell and asks if he can steal some jewels.]
- Some Kid: [Holding a microphone in a stand-up comedian role with Sarabelle’s friend Jordan Carny From BridgePrep.] We're so poor, our bologna doesn't have a first name! Hello!? [Taps microphone.] Has this thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people! We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a barbarian... [Dave Walks Away And Starts To Cry 😭.]
- Pillage Master: Oh, there must be something lower than F-minus. Z! Z! Z! Z! Z!
- Candy: Here's the plan: we changes our names, move to a distant island, and disguise ourselves as a family of travelling donkey polishers.
- Fang: Is this before or after we beat Dave to a pulp?
Dave: Guys I’m Sorry 😢 😭 It Is All My Fault (Sobs And Cries 😭😭.)
- Dave: I’ve Still Just Tried Everything And I Got One Of Those 300 Red Spots Which Looked Like Mosquito 🦟 Bites (Cries And Sobs Again 😭😭) .
- Fang: Oh (Puts Her Hand 🤚 On Dave’s Arm) It’s Okay Dave Don’t Cry 😭 Candy Oswidge Faffy Please Back Away From Dave No One Touches Him.
- Pillage Master:(Tries To Comfort Dave During The Rite Of Pillage) Don’t Get Upset 😭 David It’s Fine I’m Sorry.
- Dave: (Sobbing 😭And Crying 😭.) I’ll Never
Do A Penmanship And I’ve Got Those 300 Red Spots Which Was These Mosquito 🦟 Bites (Sobs 😭 And Cries 😭 Again).
Pillage Master: (Hugs Dave And Pats Him On His Back) Don’t Worry David Just Look 👀 At Me Just Look 👀 At Me. I Will Set You A Timer ⏱ For 10 Minutes To Do Your Penmanship And Remember Not To Scratch Those Mosquito 🦟 Bites Or They Will Make It Worse.
Dave: (Sobs Quietly 😢) Really Oh (Sniffs) Thanks 🙏 Pillage Master I Will Not Scratch Them.
Pillage Master: No Problem 😌 David.
- [Inside Fang questions on Alexa ( the Amazon Echo) that why was Dave crying 😭 ]
- Alexa: Because He Tried Everything To Practice For His Rite Of Pillage Test To Become A Real Barbarian Or Maybe 🤔 Not Really A Bit And He Got One Of Those 300 Red Spots Which We’re Mosquito 🦟 Bites.
