|Season 1, Episode 4|
|Air date||January 23, 2004|
|Written by||Evan Gore, Heather Lombard|
|Directed by||Howy Parkins|
King for a Day or Two
Dave faces a dilemma, where he'll lose his barbarian title and disgrace his family if he cannot pass a pillaging test.
- Storyteller: When a tale is so great that it is passed down through the centuries, we call it, a legend. The story you are about to hear... Is not that great. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a bad story, it has chickens in it, it's just not great.
- [Candy is frusterated at how many presents Dave has received.]
- Candy: All wrong! World: upside-down! I'm the princess in this family, do you know how long it's been since I've got a gift basket? A gift certificate? A nice card!?
- [Candy "calls" her mom and dad through a cauldron. They are chained to a wall.]
- Glimia: Well, when you fight evil, sometimes you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to heroically escape at the last instant.
- Throktar: Don't worry about your Rite of Pillage, son. Ransack a town, rob the peasants, then, bang! Home for cake. Easy-peasy.
- Glimia: Oops, the dungeon keeper's coming! Time for us to pull off our heroic escape and destroy the citadel!
- Thronktar: Toodle-bye!
- Pillage Master: Men know me as... The Pillage Master. But you may call me... Doria.
- Dave: Thats a pretty name.
- [Dave trains for his Rite of Pillage.]
- Dave: [Clears throat.] I would like to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have-
- Fang: No! Scare them, scream at them, run and yell! Run and yell!
- Lula: You're about as scary as a quart of non-fat milk!
- Storyteller: And the chickens do peck upon the head of Dave until the next sunrise and well into the afternoon.
- Pillage Master: Dave, it is now the sixteenth hour of the sixteenth day of the sixteenth month, of your sixteenth year!
- Dave: Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this guy's math?
- [The Pillage Master issues Dave an F on his battle cry.]
- Oswidge: Hark, the dread footfalls of family disgrace draw nigh.
- Fang: If that means Dave's a bonehead, I agree.
- [The Pillage Master describes the "Laying Waste" test.]
- Pillage Master: You must lay waste here, [Dave begins chuckling,] then you must lay waste over there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all right, what is so funny!?
- [Dave "ruins" some houses.]
- Dave: Look at that hideous paint job, the atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief!
- [For the Plundering Test, Dave rings a doorbell and asks if he can steal some jewels.]
- Some Kid: [Holding a microphone in a stand-up comedian role.] We're so poor, our bologna doesn't have a first name! Hello!? [Taps microphone.] Has this thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people! We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a barbarian...
- Pillage Master: Oh, there must be something lower than F-minus. Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z!
- Candy: Here's the plan: we changes our names, move to a distant island, and disguise ourselves as a family of travelling donkey polishers.
- Fang: Is this before or after we beat Dave to a pulp?
- Fang: Psych! No way man! Later we're gonna sneak up and skin you with a clam shell. [Family cracks knuckles]
- Dave: I like clams.
- [Dave finds out about the final test in the Rite of Pillage.]
- Dave: Penmanship? [Singing.] Look out people, here I come!
- Storyteller: Mighty is his ink, and flawless his calligraphy! Ne'er has such a feat of penmanship been witnessed in the history of mankind! And his spelling is good, too.
- [Fang questions why penmanship counts for 70% of Dave's final grade.]
- Pillage Master: I know, but the whole Rite of Pillage thing is sponsored by a pen company. D-minus!