Series Name
Season 1, Episode 4
Air date January 23, 2004
Written by Evan Gore, Heather Lombard
Directed by Howy Parkins
Episode Guide
King for a Day or Two
Rite of Pillage is the second half of the fourth episode of Dave the Barbarian.

Synopsis Edit

Dave faces a dilemma, where he'll lose his barbarian title and disgrace his family if he cannot pass a pillaging test.


Storyteller: When a tale is so great that it is passed down through the centuries, we call it, a legend. The story you are about to hear... Is not that great. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a bad story, it has chickens in it, it's just not great.

[Candy is frusterated at how many presents Dave has received.]
Candy: All wrong! World: upside-down! I'm the princess in this family, do you know how long it's been since I've got a gift basket? A gift certificate? A nice card!?

[Candy "calls" her mom and dad through a cauldron. They are chained to a wall.]
Glimia: Well, when you fight evil, sometimes you're gonna get put in a fiendish deathtrap from which you have to heroically escape at the last instant.

Throktar: Don't worry about your Rite of Pillage, son. Ransack a town, rob the peasants, then, bang! Home for cake. Easy-peasy.

Glimia: Oops, the dungeon keeper's coming! Time for us to pull off our heroic escape and destroy the citadel!
Thronktar: Toodle-bye!

Pillage Master: Men know me as... The Pillage Master. But you may call me... Doria.
Dave: Thats a pretty name.

[Dave trains for his Rite of Pillage.]
Dave[Clears throat.] I would like to formally apologise for all the trouble we barbarians have-
Fang: No! Scare them, scream at them, run and yell! Run and yell!

Lula: You're about as scary as a quart of non-fat milk!

Storyteller: And the chickens do peck upon the head of Dave until the next sunrise and well into the afternoon.

Pillage Master: Dave, it is now the sixteenth hour of the sixteenth day of the sixteenth month, of your sixteenth year!
Dave: Sixteenth month? Has anyone checked this guy's math?

[The Pillage Master issues Dave an F on his battle cry.]
Oswidge: Hark, the dread footfalls of family disgrace draw nigh.
Fang: If that means Dave's a bonehead, I agree.

[The Pillage Master describes the "Laying Waste" test.]
Pillage Master: You must lay waste here, [Dave begins chuckling,] then you must lay waste over there. Then, when you feel you can no longer lay waste, you- all right, what is so funny!?

[Dave "ruins" some houses.]
Dave: Look at that hideous paint job, the atrocious awnings, and the landscaping- ugh! From a design standpoint, those buildings are ruined beyond belief!

[For the Plundering Test, Dave rings a doorbell and asks if he can steal some jewels.]
Some Kid[Holding a microphone in a stand-up comedian role.] We're so poor, our bologna doesn't have a first name! Hello!? [Taps microphone.] Has this thing been invented yet? Come on, these are the jokes, people! We're so poor, we can't buy a vowel! So, two guys walk into a barbarian...

Pillage Master: Oh, there must be something lower than F-minus. Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z! Z!
Candy: Here's the plan: we changes our names, move to a distant island, and disguise ourselves as a family of travelling donkey polishers.
Fang: Is this before or after we beat Dave to a pulp?

Fang: Psych! No way man! Later we're gonna sneak up and skin you with a clam shell. [Family cracks knuckles]
Dave: I like clams.

[Dave finds out about the final test in the Rite of Pillage.]
Dave: Penmanship? [Singing.] Look out people, here I come!

Storyteller: Mighty is his ink, and flawless his calligraphy! Ne'er has such a feat of penmanship been witnessed in the history of mankind! And his spelling is good, too.

[Fang questions why penmanship counts for 70% of Dave's final grade.]
Pillage Master: I know, but the whole Rite of Pillage thing is sponsored by a pen company. D-minus!

Episode Edit

Dave the Barbarian 1x04 Rite of Pillage11:09

Dave the Barbarian 1x04 Rite of Pillage

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