|Season 1, Episode 7 (1/2)|
|Air date||February 6, 2004|
|Written by||Doug Langdale|
|Directed by||Howy Parkins|
The Terror of Mecha-Dave
Beauty and the Zit
Candy's quest for an ultra-trendy antler hat takes her out of the kingdom and in direct conflict with Chuckles the Silly Piggy.
The Narrator introduces us to the castle of Udrogoth, where Dave is trying to flip gormet apricot pancakes. He gives them to Fang, who complains that gormet cooking isn't barbariany. They begin arguing, only to be halted by Uncle Oswidge. As he starts enjoying his breakfast, Fang reminds Dave of their duties: Candy is in charge of the castle because she is the oldest, and Dave has to protect Udrogoth because he is the biggest. She asks him why he isn't acting like a real barbarian, to which he replies that he only wanted to be a barbarian at the age to 10 because he thought "barbarian" meant a librarian who also cuts hair.
- [Dave cooks kitten-shaped apricot pancakes for Fang.]
- Fang: Gormet cooking is not barbariany!
- Dave: Uncle Oswidge, Fang's being mean to breakfast!
- Oswidge: Can't you two just- pancakes!
- Dave: I never wanted to be a Barbarian!
- Fang: You did when you were ten!
- Dave: Only because I thought it meant a librarian who also cuts hair.
- Oswidge: Don't make me turn you two into cabages again!
- Bogmelon: Just got a big shipment of snakes... You want one?
- Snake: Please, buy me!
- Candy: Actually, I'm looking for one of those hats with antlers on it.
- Bogmelon: We got that.
- Snake: I'm a hat! Please buy me!
- Candy: Look, anything that can say it's a hat isn't a hat, okay?
- Bogmelon: Oh, a hat! You want a hat! We got that.
- Snake: I'm a hat!
- [A kid asks Bogmelon for a hot dog.]
- Snake: Buy me, I'm delicious!
- [Dave volunteers to help Candy get a hat.]
- Dave: Oh! I can help with that! I love hats! Whaddya need? A cap? A derby? A plumed velvet tricorne with satin trim and those little sparkly dangly bits that hang down, they're all dangly and sparkly and-
- Oswidge: I call upon thee to summon images of Throktar and Glimia, wheresoever they may be!
- Cauldron of Summoning: Please deposit ten drekles for the first five minutes.
- Glimia: We destroyed the evil citadel of Naccar the Obliterator yesterday.
- Throktar: They had a lovely gift shop. We got you a spoon!
- Throktar: Whoops, gotta go. Giant man-eating cockroaches have come to rip out our entrails.
- [The Royal Family enters the Desert of Peculiar Smells.]
- Oswidge: Smells kinda like a cross between rotten bananas and being hit in the face with a shovel.
- Chuckles: I'm the master of evil! The master of evil! I can't help it if I have an adorably curly little tail.
- [Chuckles the Silly Piggy summons a sand monster.]
- Chuckles: And now, my fiendish sand monster shall destroy- I, I'm, I'm sorry, but are you chewing gum while I'm delivering my villainous threats? That is so rude! Spit it out, little mister!
- [Dave runs away from the sand monster, accidentally running around the entire world.]
- Polar Bear: If it ain't fish, I'm not interested.
- Dave: My enchanted sword will change your tune, villain!
- Lula: What? What are you looking at? What? What!?
- Dave: I guess I was hoping for, I don't know, like some kind of magical energy blast?
- Lula: And you couldn't say something!? What am I, a mind reader!?
- [Lula shoots a magical energy blast at Chuckles, who shoots an energy blast from his amulet.]
- Dave: Ha! It seems we are evenly matched!
- Chuckles: Not really. Mine's still set on low. Bye-bye! [He turns a dial on the amulet to "high."] You shall perish beneath the might of my mighty... Mightiness!
- Dave: [Thinking.] Why is it so echo-y inside my head?
- Throktar Hallucination: I'm just a hallucination brought on by stress! Well, gotta go! The annual hallucination costume party's tonight. [Disappears, then reappears in a tutu, laughing.] I'm going as a fairy princess!
- Chuckles: Normally, I hate pathetic grovelling. But on you, it worked.
- Dave: I'll give you anything. Look, using my world-renowned artistry, I've made you this origami hat!
- Chuckles: Oooh, I love that! And with antlers! Very fetching!
- Chuckles: I'm not a moose! I'm a pig wearing an origami hat with antlers!
- Moose-Eating Thunder Hawk: Yeah, yeah, I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that story.
[[File:Dave the Barbarian 1x07 The way of the Dave|thumb|center|335 px
- Dave cries in this episode